2.5 years

This coming weekend, Panu and I will have been going out 2.5 years. that's 30 months! i know this is barely a toddler of a relationship in some of your worlds, but for me, this is a record. i wouldn't exactly call myself a commitment phobe, but it appears that i have a tendency to freak out in perfectly good and normal relationships just after the two year mark (if i actually get that far) and more or less make a run for it.

I know some close friends were holding their breath when Panu and I hit two years... and watched closely for any signs of a complete meltdown for a month thereafter. But 6 months on, I think we're fairly safe. He still makes my heart skip a beat, and nothing, seriously nothing, speaks to my soul like a hug from him.

I'm going to sound like I'm preaching here, but there are two relationship myths that i think are true. One is that yes, you do need a few duds to appreciate what's good. and two? you absolutely need to find yourself, before you can find your other.

I'd been in a number of relationships before stumbling upon this one. And no matter how much I feel like I want to erase some memories, I eventually learnt that actually, those memories are what makes me me. Painful as some may be, the spectrum of experiences I've had has shaped who I am today, how I empathise with others, and more importantly helped me learn my own strengths and fragilities. I dont have to imagine how it feels; i know how it feels to fall in love, to fall out of love, to break the heart of someone who loves me, to have my own heart broken by someone i love, to rebound selfishly, to learn to live on my own, and to learn to love being me.

And the path to these lessons, while excruciating at times, i would not trade for anything else in this world. So after all of that, in 2006, Panu and I got together in the most scandalous of ways ~ hooking up at a work conference. *Hah*. It had to be done. And to say i haven't looked back since would be a lie.

The year I spent soul searching and learning to really love being myself was the best year I've ever had, and I will tell that to anyone who'll listen. I had my bachelorette pad in Newtown, Sydney, i was working hard and playing harder and really couldn't give a flying f*** what anyone else thought. It was a hard year to give up, and when Panu and I got together, I really wasn't ready to let it go. For the first few months, it did cross my mind to break it off and go back into the wonderland which i had created, but wow am I glad I didn't.

I can't even put it into words, but I am happy where I am. I'm not a romantic, nor am i an idealist, and I don't say "I love you" often enough, if at all. But as my boss (who is my friend and knows me better than a lot of other people) so insightfully put it: "well, you're living in London aren't you? If you didn't love him, I guarantee you wouldn't be here." Actually, it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.

So for now, at 2.5 years, I'm cruising along. I'm in no rush to get to the altar, although I'm so clucky I may as well be a chicken. But we'll see, time will tell many stories... and even I'm interested to see how they pan out.