life in colour

When I was 21, I had my heart smashed into a million little pieces, the wounds so deep that I didn’t think I would ever recover. I couldn’t believe I had loved someone with such intensity that I would let them hurt me so badly, but even still, I would never wish for the past to be changed. Through my arduous recovery process, I found true friends and more importantly I found myself. I learned to live life for me, and only me, and I can proudly say that almost 8 years later, I haven’t even felt the smallest proportion of that pain, and hopefully never will. I think the sheer magnitude of it would actually just kill me.

I’ve had some serious relationships and some not-so-serious ones since then, and I have not cried over any of them. I liked them, sure. Missed them? yes. Loved them? Love is such a strong word. What I do know is that I haven’t felt the gasping, grasping, desperate wanting, needing love that so badly scarred me all those years ago. Inevitably I had built a wall around my heart, and I’ve been finding it incredibly difficult to let anyone in.

Panu and I have been together for almost two years now. He’s incredible – I honestly could not have been blessed with a better man ~ he’s kind, he’s fun, he’s loving, he’s strong, he’s patient, he’s gorgeous, he’s everything I want. Yet up until a few weeks ago, I would not have been able to tell you wholeheartedly that I loved him. Up until a few weeks ago, I prided myself in believing that if we were to fall apart, I would totally land on my feet, because I don’t need anybody and I can live without him. I have it all planned – I’d pack up and leave, head back to Sydney, find a place in Newtown and life would be as it was before we got back together. Simple, right?

I had thought so.

But one morning, about two weeks ago, I was walking to work when my thoughts were rudely interrupted (honestly, this came right out of left-field and it literally stopped me in my tracks) by the notion that right this moment, with me half way to work and Panu probably just getting out of bed, I want him now, right now and forever. forever. My breath shortened, and I swear I stopped walking, and I missed him so much that very morning, just on the way to work.

My take on my relationship has changed drastically in the last two weeks. This is new territory for me, or rather, tentatively wading into what I have long forgotten. I can’t get enough of him at home, he thinks I’ve gone mad, but I look at him and I stare and it’s like I’ve discovered a new person.

If my barriers have finally become brittle, and are starting to break… then I’m overjoyed at the prospect, but I’m equally nervous and anxious for what the future holds. But suddenly I think I’m seeing life in more colours again.