2.5 years

This coming weekend, Panu and I will have been going out 2.5 years. that's 30 months! i know this is barely a toddler of a relationship in some of your worlds, but for me, this is a record. i wouldn't exactly call myself a commitment phobe, but it appears that i have a tendency to freak out in perfectly good and normal relationships just after the two year mark (if i actually get that far) and more or less make a run for it.

I know some close friends were holding their breath when Panu and I hit two years... and watched closely for any signs of a complete meltdown for a month thereafter. But 6 months on, I think we're fairly safe. He still makes my heart skip a beat, and nothing, seriously nothing, speaks to my soul like a hug from him.

I'm going to sound like I'm preaching here, but there are two relationship myths that i think are true. One is that yes, you do need a few duds to appreciate what's good. and two? you absolutely need to find yourself, before you can find your other.

I'd been in a number of relationships before stumbling upon this one. And no matter how much I feel like I want to erase some memories, I eventually learnt that actually, those memories are what makes me me. Painful as some may be, the spectrum of experiences I've had has shaped who I am today, how I empathise with others, and more importantly helped me learn my own strengths and fragilities. I dont have to imagine how it feels; i know how it feels to fall in love, to fall out of love, to break the heart of someone who loves me, to have my own heart broken by someone i love, to rebound selfishly, to learn to live on my own, and to learn to love being me.

And the path to these lessons, while excruciating at times, i would not trade for anything else in this world. So after all of that, in 2006, Panu and I got together in the most scandalous of ways ~ hooking up at a work conference. *Hah*. It had to be done. And to say i haven't looked back since would be a lie.

The year I spent soul searching and learning to really love being myself was the best year I've ever had, and I will tell that to anyone who'll listen. I had my bachelorette pad in Newtown, Sydney, i was working hard and playing harder and really couldn't give a flying f*** what anyone else thought. It was a hard year to give up, and when Panu and I got together, I really wasn't ready to let it go. For the first few months, it did cross my mind to break it off and go back into the wonderland which i had created, but wow am I glad I didn't.

I can't even put it into words, but I am happy where I am. I'm not a romantic, nor am i an idealist, and I don't say "I love you" often enough, if at all. But as my boss (who is my friend and knows me better than a lot of other people) so insightfully put it: "well, you're living in London aren't you? If you didn't love him, I guarantee you wouldn't be here." Actually, it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.

So for now, at 2.5 years, I'm cruising along. I'm in no rush to get to the altar, although I'm so clucky I may as well be a chicken. But we'll see, time will tell many stories... and even I'm interested to see how they pan out.

the shopping man

ok, seeing as I just posted about panu's new love for cooking, i'm now in deep fear that an alien has abducted my boyfriend and replaced him with every woman's dream man. So really, fear yes, complain no.

reason i say this is because yesterday, panu added a significant asset to my current register. he bought me... my very first Burberry Trench Coat. I call this an asset because seriously, in some countries, you can totally buy a house with that coat. Hell, you could probably buy a small country somewhere! but anyway, he offered to buy it, I almost objected, almost, but immediately came to my senses and just accepted gratefully!

Everyone's asking why he bought me the coat - was it my birthday? no... was it a special occasion? no... is he feeling guilty....? well i hope not! I think it was really because I have been painfully, tearfully longing for this coat for the better part of the last year and haven't been able to justify buying it for myself. And yesterday we went to Burberry on New Bond Street and I stupidly tried on the coat, and fell so massively stupefyingly in love all over again.

I wanted to buy it, but decided not to and I was in so much angst walking out of the store that really, you would have thought that I'd just said goodbye to my child or something. He couldn't take it, and herewith, proposed to buy me the jacket. Hey, this proposal was as good as the other one might have been. I promise!

So now I am the proud owner of the new Burberry trench and I love it. I woke up this morning and said good morning to it. Sad, but true.

Whatever the aliens have done, I love it!

the cooking man

While I was in Oz for five weeks, Panu had an enlightening moment and realised that I did "everything" around the house. I'm guessing what he was really thinking was 'what? clothes/sheets/towels don't wash themselves? Meals need to be cooked? you need to buy the food to cook? and the floors don't clean themselves?? WHAT THE F***.'

I think he did the bare minimum laundry, changed the sheets literally the night before I got back, and I dont think he touched the floors, but in order to not die of starvation, he had to cook. And cook he did... and surprisingly, he loved it.

So one thing he's really taken to since I've been back is cooking. He's been cooking not once, not twice, but several times a week. And I tell you what, there is nothing sexier than a man who cooks *rrooowwwrrrr*

And it's so refreshing having someone else cook, and eating something different. I have to admit for the first couple of weeks, I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm used to the routine of coming home and cooking, or gymming and cooking. Now I have the extra time, I'm just wasting it watching Peter & Katie, but what the heck, it's me time.

Let's hope this isn't just a phase!

morning routine

this might cause some of you to puke, so beware.

every morning, panu gets up before me, and he heads into the kitchen to make himself breakfast (i eat mine at work, squeezing as much sleeping minutes into my morning as humanly possible). then a few, or ten or 30 minutes later, i wiggle myself out of bed, and with my eyes mostly closed, i trudge my way into the kitchen.

"hey stompy," he always says, because apparently I stomp in. He eats his breakfast sitting on a bar stool, and i waddle over and he gives me the best hug ever. It's the best because it's first thing in the morning, and we're both soft and warm. I nuzzle in his neck and I can smell fresh tea and toast and nuts and all the good stuff he's eating. and I damn near always fall asleep again.

at some stage, i pry myself away and trudge back to the shower... and the day begins.

how can i live without this for five weeks??

incidentally, i told him yesterday that i'd figured out why i'm so sad about going back to Sydney, when all rational reasoning points to the fact that i should be ecstatic. you wanna hear my theory?

it's because i like him more than i like Sydney. And we all know how much i loooooove Sydney. and i dont want to be there, if i can't have him there with me. soppy, right?

you puke yet?

homeward bound

so. i am homeward bound in a few days, homeward bound the to warm open arms of Australia, for five whole weeks. shouldn't i be completed elated? i should. i know i should. but somehow, i'm not. And if you think it's because i've sprouted a sudden connection with London, please go take your daily meds, i'm not quite that insane yet.

i'm feeling a certain breathless emptiness because... i'm embarrassed to even say this, but because i can't bear to be away from Panu for 5 entire weeks. Do you remember when we were in Sydney and he went away for one week? i died. well, almost. I counted days, hours and minutes and my heart skipped a beat whenever my phone rang... and now, i have to endure this for five times over.

but i do get to see my old friends again. and meet quite a number of new babies (they all seemed to pop into this world in the past 12 months). and two of my close friends from Melbourne are making special trips up just to see me... so I feel blessed... i do. I just have to get over my soppiness. and I will, I promise.

and a certain someone I am dying to see is my little mel, who turned the big three-oh today. Happy birthday, my lovely and I'm sorry I missed it by a mere handful of days. I will see you very soon.

it may be war...

we've just moved apartments today... and because it takes up to 10 working days to shift our broadband over, Panu and I are using a wireless dongle in the mean time. One wireless dongle. We have to share the internet.

Brace yourselves...

life in colour

When I was 21, I had my heart smashed into a million little pieces, the wounds so deep that I didn’t think I would ever recover. I couldn’t believe I had loved someone with such intensity that I would let them hurt me so badly, but even still, I would never wish for the past to be changed. Through my arduous recovery process, I found true friends and more importantly I found myself. I learned to live life for me, and only me, and I can proudly say that almost 8 years later, I haven’t even felt the smallest proportion of that pain, and hopefully never will. I think the sheer magnitude of it would actually just kill me.

I’ve had some serious relationships and some not-so-serious ones since then, and I have not cried over any of them. I liked them, sure. Missed them? yes. Loved them? Love is such a strong word. What I do know is that I haven’t felt the gasping, grasping, desperate wanting, needing love that so badly scarred me all those years ago. Inevitably I had built a wall around my heart, and I’ve been finding it incredibly difficult to let anyone in.

Panu and I have been together for almost two years now. He’s incredible – I honestly could not have been blessed with a better man ~ he’s kind, he’s fun, he’s loving, he’s strong, he’s patient, he’s gorgeous, he’s everything I want. Yet up until a few weeks ago, I would not have been able to tell you wholeheartedly that I loved him. Up until a few weeks ago, I prided myself in believing that if we were to fall apart, I would totally land on my feet, because I don’t need anybody and I can live without him. I have it all planned – I’d pack up and leave, head back to Sydney, find a place in Newtown and life would be as it was before we got back together. Simple, right?

I had thought so.

But one morning, about two weeks ago, I was walking to work when my thoughts were rudely interrupted (honestly, this came right out of left-field and it literally stopped me in my tracks) by the notion that right this moment, with me half way to work and Panu probably just getting out of bed, I want him now, right now and forever. forever. My breath shortened, and I swear I stopped walking, and I missed him so much that very morning, just on the way to work.

My take on my relationship has changed drastically in the last two weeks. This is new territory for me, or rather, tentatively wading into what I have long forgotten. I can’t get enough of him at home, he thinks I’ve gone mad, but I look at him and I stare and it’s like I’ve discovered a new person.

If my barriers have finally become brittle, and are starting to break… then I’m overjoyed at the prospect, but I’m equally nervous and anxious for what the future holds. But suddenly I think I’m seeing life in more colours again.

18 months, baby!

Can you believe it's been 18 months since this? I'm blushing and cringing equally when I read back on old posts and the way I was gushing in such an unladylike manner over Panu. Terrible! oh wait a minute, I still do!

It's funny, I've been unusually sentimental the last few weeks, it's the homesickness really kicking in and I have confided in anyone who will listen about how much I missed my life in Sydney... I especially miss 2006, my year for freedom and fun and me. I was single, living it up and loved life.

But you know what? I think I should love living it. Because I have the best person to share my life with...

the never ending birthday

Panu's 30th birthday celebrations started 5 days before his actual birthday, with a beautiful dinner at Pearl (he refused to let me, the asian tourist, take photos *boo*), followed by the naughtily hilarious Avenue Q. and now, almost 3 weeks later, the celebrations continue... and will do so for the foreseeable future, at least for another three weeks!

aside from all the fabulous presents that I got him, amongst the highlights would be his family visiting from Sydney. Though it is always stressful and tiring hosting family (and believe me, the Nevalainens are a tiring bunch - and let me thank my friends now who've listened to me vent!) their effort for making the long journey for a mere week did not go unnoticed. It was lovely, solid family time.

But goddamn, thank f&%$ it's over. *grin*

the celebrations continued with various dinners, drinks and even high tea (ahem, man tea), but the mother of all celebrations took place on Saturday night at Dirty Martini. I really don't know what else to say about the night except that we started with cocktails at dinner, and throughout the night there was a constant flow of mysterious concoctions, shots, beers and delicious tequila!

(oh boy i think i have a new found love for good tequila...)

it was hands down the messiest trashiest night we've all had in a while... Sunday was spent comatose and randomly giggling our way through the ridiculous photos...




































































too many to load but they can be found here and here. enjoy!

our home!

a direct symptom of managing two blogs: laziness.

take a squiz at my travel blog! photos and a few words about our home can be found here. sincerest apologies, real posts will be here soon!

panu...

it will officially be 14 months tomorrow. The last year has been an incredible, eye-opening experience for me. It’s been a calm, peaceful, beautiful year and I feel more grounded and secure than I ever have. Rumour has it that part of this is because with age comes maturity, but hey, those are just rumours! I’d like to think it’s because Panu has the incredible power to bring peace to my life, which before this… while it has always been fun, it was also tumultuous, anxious and unsettled.

He protects me and encourages me with just the right balance. He’ll open doors for me, but he’ll then send me out to fight my own battles. He acknowledges I’m a lady and I need him, but he also supports my independence and knows I can do it on my own.

There are so many things I value about him, but mostly, and one I’ll share, is probably the soppiest… so grab hold of the bucket, I can hear you gag already!

He has the ability to just hold me when I need him to. I’m particularly impressed when it’s the lead up to that time of the month and I’m so fragile I would burst into tears if someone so much as asked me to pass the salt. I sniffle and cry and sometimes sob and all he does is holds me. Occasionally he’ll ask ‘what’s wrong, baby?’ and when I give the frustratingly non-committal ‘I don’t know’ or even worse ‘nothing’, he doesn’t get frustrated with me, but just holds me tighter, which inevitably makes me cry even more. This, I’ve decided, is a fine art many male persons still need to master.

Gallantry is not about saving the girl. It’s about being there for her.

So it’s been 14 months, only 14 months i know. But I’m happy and so… very relaxed. I’m hoping that we have some great times ahead. Moving overseas together will probably put a massive amount of pressure on me and us, but what doesn’t break you makes you stronger, right?

And you know what my mum said? “don’t dump him, ok? We like him” ~ hehe… how cute is that?

highlights of an incredible fortnight...

the past two weeks have whizzed past in a whirl of socialising, sunshine and frothy frappes... many many highlights, very few lowlights... so i'm a happy camper *grin*

... panu came back from el paso bearing with him many gifts, among them pair of cowboy (girl?) boots for me! the real deal from texas. this is like saying i have a kimono from japan... so cool!

i love, love , love them! he picked the right size and a funky design, all by himself. i'm so proud *awwwww*

... 3 days later Stef & Ian tied the knot in one of the biggest weddings I've been to ~ 450 guests in the Grand Ballroom at the Westin. It really doesn't get much classier than that.

Needless to say, Stef was breathlessly stunning. Me, i had my hair pinned back which to me is like being naked, so i felt self conscious all night. But don't worry it didnt stop me from having a great time, especially at the Crystal Bar after party!































... and then there were the days of sunshine when panu and i wandered around kirribilli, enjoying the views, our ice creams and soaking in the rays... sydney is just stunning. why am i leaving this for gloomy london again?

... and last but not least, i am the proud mama of a brand new baby iPod nano! It is the sexiest little bugger since the invention of french knickers and i just cant get enough! i'm willing the hours at work away just so i can go home and hang out with my little cPod *yay*

in other news, it is now officially 16 weeks til take off ~ who's counting? ~ and i am so impatient!

have a superb weekend, my lovelies!

the big M.O.V.E.

it's not really a big move as such. the actual move was relatively small, but its the act of the move that was huge. so maybe this post should be entitled "the big move IN".

for those of you who have been in close priximity to me over the last few weeks ~ both physically and virtually ~ you'll have been exposed to my anguish of packing, cleaning, selling... followed by more packing, cleaning, selling.. and offloading. God bless eBay.

and as of saturday, i officially moved in with Panu! Oh My God, i know. I've whittled into nothing more than a co-dependant female, I may as well sign up with the I cry when he goes out too late club now! Hehe.. cynicism will get you nowhere.

I'm actually very excited to be co-habiting with someone, and extremely intrigued as to whether little miss cat is prone to sharing. I've lived more or less alone for the past decade, and with the exception of my relationship with my husband Loreen, all other flatmate relationships have more or less been independant.

Interesting times ahead and if nothing else, this gives us great training for living together in no more than a shoebox, a vital skill to have when we make the really big move.

sad catty

so, right now i'm quite disappointed in myself... panu has gone on holidays* and i am not functioning without him! i think i do well to trick everyone into believing i'm functioning, but really i'm a mess ~ i'm thinking about him all day, all night, and when my phone receives an sms, i literally dive for it, due to the slight chance that it could be a message from him!

it's all a bit pathetic really. I thought I would be doing much better seeing as I was little miss independent up until not that long ago. But apparently not, so let's just count sleeps ok? 7 more sleeps til he gets back! *sigh*

* Osnabruck, Germany for 10 days, for his friend Timo's wedding, basking in the gorgeous 30 degree sunshine and eating bratwursts to his hearts content. Bastard!

we're back!

We are back from Brissie! relatively unscathed and unscarred from meeting the fockers, but only just! poor panu was the sickest he'd ever ever been, having been bitten by what was possibly the nastiest fugliest flu bug that ever stepped foot on this earth. he was coughing, he was spluttering, he was shivering, he was boiling... he was most definitely in no mood to meet the girlfriend's parents for the first time. but boy do i adore him, he really tried to smile and chat each time his lungs would allow him to suck in tiny breaths of air (before more or less choking on it) and for that, he wins massive brownie points.

the time in brissie didn't seem quite long enough and I didn't catch up with as many people as i had wanted to. i did get in some quality time with ying & tiff & dessert @ freestyle, and also with shari, nadja & mrs skinner @ the jaz bar.... i spent some much appreciated time with my mum catching up on the family goss, and also spent a fair chunk of time biting my tongue as my dad lectured me on money matters. i think he collects his angst on my lack of savings, nurtures it well, and lets it loose nice and strong each time i visit....

all in all in good trip, too short, i miss my mum way too much.....

meet the fockers

as i recall, the sequel to Meet The Parents was, what? Meet the Fockers? Well, here's hoping that my parents won't be fockers this weekend when yes, I bring the boy home to meet them!

It's been almost 4 months since I met his parents, and now we are ready for round 2. There are a myriad of similarities between Robert De Niro's drill-sergeant-dad and my own dear father. Strict, rule enforcing, militant pessimism. I think that about sums it up!

But, me of much faith, I am counting on panu's incredible charm to win my dad over. I think he'll do all right. Mum on the other hand is easy ~ she adores him cos I do. Why can't they all be like that? *smile*

women *sigh*

i was just now reading LeXXuS' latest post, and man, this guy has the balls to tell it just like it is. enough balls to melt all the tigers in the world to butter, apparently. i read his blog religiously because it makes me laugh, it makes me teary, it makes me think... actually no, mostly it just makes me laugh.

So anyway, his latest post declares that "(women) torture themselves emotionally, the fucking masochists". And you know what? He is so right.

I'd like to think of myself as being pretty together when it comes to matters of the heart. i don't usually play games, over analyse, stew, consult at least a dozen girlfriends or even expect a guy to read my mind. I'm pretty blokey in that sense, but I've been a little worried lately... blame it on the old age but i think i'm slowly entering the world of female emotional masochism.

Where once upon a time a guy not calling, or calling, or paying attention, or there lackof, or saying something this way or that ~ that stuff has never phased me. And when my friends consulted me, i was most probably gazing back at them quizzically, wondering why on earth any of this rates on the This Upsets Me meter at all. I just didn't get it.

But now, oh man, I think I'm screwed. It's snuck up on me and bit me square on the ass.

The other day i wandered past Panu's desk* unannounced cos I was in the vicinity and must have caught him distracted (he & his mates were playing with USB cannons... riiiiight..) and i may have said hello, or something to that degree. he grunted, mumbled something and then all attention straight back to the cannons. I was mortified! I promptly went back to my desk to begin the thorough process of analysing what had just happened. Why did he ignore me? Is he angry with me? What did I do? Did I do something??

Yah. cos it's always the something that ruins everything.

As if on cue, a mutual friend messages me and says "hey, how are things with you and your man?" What? Why did she ask that? Does she know something? Something I don't know??

Oh my God the stress! I spent all afternoon wondering if Panu was going to break up with me, and went through all the possible scenarios in my head of how I was going to handle the devastating news.

After much time was wasted on convincing myself that i wouldn't cry if he broke up with me, regular Cat raised her head for a single glorious moment and i decided to talk to him. Ooh yeah, what a revolutionary idea, huh? So I message him and tell him that i felt ignored this morning and he responds with "i'm really sorry baby, I didn't realise.. and if i ignore you again, just come sit on my lap silly girl". Ok, so that's good, right? Yeah, that'll do me.

So the bomb was defused, though the stress may have caused me to lose a few quality years of my life. I'm a fucking emotional masochist.

now here's the thing - if this is how I'm reacting ~ me, Cat, non-emotional, non-phased, ice queen of the current generation ~ how the heck are the rest of you women women coping???

* for those who don't know, we work in the same building... yep, one of "those" relationships.

a moment

warning: potentially soppy post ahead!

i had a moment on the weekend ~ i think it was sunday night but you know what, i dont even really remember ~ when i looked at panu and thought i saw something really deep and something i (in my 27 years of wisdom) didn't recognise. we have moments often, he's a pretty romantic guy, but this particular one actually made my heart skip a beat and left me breathless for a more than a split second.

every time i look at him, i see this guy i'm totally crazy for; i see the fun, the seriousness, the tenderness and everything in between. and how's this for puke-worthy ~ when he looks at me, i feel as though there is seriously nothing else around us. it's me & him, and a great big void. i love being lost in the void.

and this moment that we had, it was all of the above and more. in that instant i felt as though i didnt want to ever ever be in the void with anyone else. because i'm not going to feel this way about anyone else. he brushed my hair back from my face and touches my nose with his. I could have stayed in that moment forever.

but then again maybe i'm reading too much into it. i mean, we had just had a huge dinner & dessert and we were both incredibly full and more than a little sleepy. tired eyes kinda look like romantic eyes too, right?

broom brooooom!

isn't it funny that when you have something fun to do, getting up before the sun rises isn't really all that hard? On Saturday morning, panu and i voluntarily hauled ass outta bed at 6am ready for our mini road trip! Ok, so i'm sure i whinged a little along the lines of "but baaaaby, it's still night time!" but even still, we managed to leave the house before the sun rose, and saw the most magnificent fog and beautiful sunrise on our way to Port Stephens.

this is panu's birthday present part 1. being a biker, i thought i would spoil him a little and take him up to Anna Bay where we hired quadbikes for a couple of hours and hooned around Stockton Beach ~ the most gorgeous 30km stretch of sand I have ever seen.

After 4WD'ing about 15kms down the beach, for $140 per person, they basically give you free reign of the little beasts for 2 hours, and man it is fun!!





















after hooning around for 2 hours and getting sand in the most bizarre places... like finding a sandpit inside my sneakers, and even more inside my sock *huh??* we checked into the Shoal Bay Resort & Spa for some r&r. located right on Shoal Beach, we headed out just before sunset & saw this view...

ok soppy stuff aside, the weekend was also spent devouring some yummy food!





















now for birthday present part 2, i had to scour the whole damn world to find this, but thank God for amazon. he's getting the complete set of Frank Miller's Sin City.