women *sigh*

i was just now reading LeXXuS' latest post, and man, this guy has the balls to tell it just like it is. enough balls to melt all the tigers in the world to butter, apparently. i read his blog religiously because it makes me laugh, it makes me teary, it makes me think... actually no, mostly it just makes me laugh.

So anyway, his latest post declares that "(women) torture themselves emotionally, the fucking masochists". And you know what? He is so right.

I'd like to think of myself as being pretty together when it comes to matters of the heart. i don't usually play games, over analyse, stew, consult at least a dozen girlfriends or even expect a guy to read my mind. I'm pretty blokey in that sense, but I've been a little worried lately... blame it on the old age but i think i'm slowly entering the world of female emotional masochism.

Where once upon a time a guy not calling, or calling, or paying attention, or there lackof, or saying something this way or that ~ that stuff has never phased me. And when my friends consulted me, i was most probably gazing back at them quizzically, wondering why on earth any of this rates on the This Upsets Me meter at all. I just didn't get it.

But now, oh man, I think I'm screwed. It's snuck up on me and bit me square on the ass.

The other day i wandered past Panu's desk* unannounced cos I was in the vicinity and must have caught him distracted (he & his mates were playing with USB cannons... riiiiight..) and i may have said hello, or something to that degree. he grunted, mumbled something and then all attention straight back to the cannons. I was mortified! I promptly went back to my desk to begin the thorough process of analysing what had just happened. Why did he ignore me? Is he angry with me? What did I do? Did I do something??

Yah. cos it's always the something that ruins everything.

As if on cue, a mutual friend messages me and says "hey, how are things with you and your man?" What? Why did she ask that? Does she know something? Something I don't know??

Oh my God the stress! I spent all afternoon wondering if Panu was going to break up with me, and went through all the possible scenarios in my head of how I was going to handle the devastating news.

After much time was wasted on convincing myself that i wouldn't cry if he broke up with me, regular Cat raised her head for a single glorious moment and i decided to talk to him. Ooh yeah, what a revolutionary idea, huh? So I message him and tell him that i felt ignored this morning and he responds with "i'm really sorry baby, I didn't realise.. and if i ignore you again, just come sit on my lap silly girl". Ok, so that's good, right? Yeah, that'll do me.

So the bomb was defused, though the stress may have caused me to lose a few quality years of my life. I'm a fucking emotional masochist.

now here's the thing - if this is how I'm reacting ~ me, Cat, non-emotional, non-phased, ice queen of the current generation ~ how the heck are the rest of you women women coping???

* for those who don't know, we work in the same building... yep, one of "those" relationships.