learning

Do you ever get the feeling that you don't know who you are? You know the people around you because you see them, speak to them, hear them, feel them, know them every day. But do you ever stop to think about what it'd be like, to be someone else.. getting to know you? The more I think about it, the more I think I don't know who I am at all. At times I have been so sure that I knew who I was, and who I wanted to be and what I wanted from myself. But I'm starting to learn that I don't know that much at all.

I've been doing some soul searching.. well, as much as I can anyway in the time I have away from work. I'm trying so hard to see the black and white between what I truly want for myself.. as opposed to what others want of me, what my parents expect from me, and ultimately what society makes me think I want from me.

It's so strange.. the "fact" that I know what I want from my life has always always been a rock for me. I've always said that I know what I want from me, from a partner, I even know that I am so painfully maternal and really want kids.. really soon. In fact, my whole thing about knowing what I want isn't just a rock for me, it has become a rock for the people around me. My friends expect me to be there, to be happy, to be the shoulder to cry on, to tell them I'm happy, to tell them I'll always be there. My parents expect me to work, to be successful, to get married and have kids. So much so, that over time.. this is what I expect me to be.

It's become resoundingly clear that I am not what people are expecting me to be. I'm not all of the above. And I don't want to be anymore. I've realised that I have been living up to other people's expectations and not my own. Why am I afraid of letting people down? Is it better to just let myself down instead? It is softer.. to not hurt other people? Is the damage I'm doing to myself.... worth it...?

Call it quarter-life crisis.. I don't know. I'm still learning.. and I'm not saying I like what I'm learning but.. I am learning, and I'm learning on my own.