ah fur

How things were different 3 years ago huh? When we could dream about owning apartments on top of and next to each other and making train tunnels and firemen poles to join our apartments *hehe*... but now we're all burdened with work, work, more work.. and the stench of responsibility.

At least some things don't change. You can always count on me for anything. Like, if you wanted to be "open" and I could introduce you to a couple of nice Leb boys from Blacktown... *grin*...

three and a bit things....

... that are annoying me at the moment...

1. Daylight savings. I never was a big fan of daylight savings but this extended daylight savings cos of the Commonwealth Games (see 1.1) has royally screwed up everyone's Outlook calendar and making work harder than it needs to be! Everything has been bumped an hour - meetings are clashing, room bookings are clashing - everything BITES.

1.1 Commonwealth Games. Didn't watch any of it. Glad it's over cos now Survivor Panama - Exile Island starts tonight!!

2. Bloggy etiquette. Why does one have to censor their blog? Granted there is always some censorship, cos you don't want to (a) get arrested or (b) have your mum read what you got up to in the sack... But what is the point of a blog when you can't express your true thoughts and feelings?

3. Emotional investment. A lot of people are making a lot of noise about my lack of emotional investment in stuff lately. I think that for better or worse, the way I function is that I do not invest until I know it is safe to do so. Most people are the opposite - they invest up front and then well, get hurt or whatever. What is the big deal about me & my walls around that organ called my heart? They are my walls, it is my heart, I will do with it as I please. When I am ready to emotionally invest in something or someone... the whole world shall know.

Blah... boring Tuesday... funny how work peaked for weeks and now its in a very very slow trough.

dinner with my girls

On Friday night, Tat, Kate, Babs & I went to Essence on King St Wharf to celebrate Tat's belated birthday (cos I'm a crap friend and I didn't make her real 30th). The weather was kind of rainy, our timing was all off, but after a couple of bottles of red (yes, I'm drinking red!) and the discovery of the most delicious Lychee Mojito, the evening turned out to be awesome fun. We talked about everything.. like everything. Once in a while you just need to get together with the girls and talk about something dirty, right? Revealing, confronting, but so rewarding. We bonded. Also, thanks to some good advice and feedback, the girls have solved a personal problem I've been struggling with over the last month *tee hee hee* I love you guys!!

got mah new toy!!

I got my new toy today!! *wheeeee* it's currently charging before I can really get intimate with it... I better call it a 'him' if we're gonna get intimate. And we are. So here's a dodgy photo of my new camera (weird concept) sitting in his cradle, fuelling up! Love it!

fear and loathing...

So I finished reading The Alchemist. Opinion? I really really didn't like it. Maybe I'm just a science baby at heart but this book is the most spiritual piece of writing I have laid eyes on - oh except for the Bible. The theme of self discovery are fine, I agree with them. But I found myself physically shaking my head in disagreement as I read. The way the story is told is so.. sooooo... I don't even know the word for it. Fluffy? You know, like - we'll summon the soul of the wind and the soul of the sun and the soul of the desert and I'll fly like the wind - that kind of crap (sorry, maybe not crap to other people but crap to me).

Glad it's over.

Now reading Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. This was made into a movie starring Benecio Del Toro and Johnny Depp, but I'd never read the book. 6 chapters down and it's awesome! 2 guys driving through the desert in a highly drug induced state - imagining people turning into reptiles.. crazy flocks of bats...

*sigh* maybe I should have read The Alchemist in a drug induced state....

monday newsflash!

1. My brother lives in Townsville, aka The-Path-Of-Cyclone-Larry, an angry angry man who blows wind at 290kph. This morning he almost got evacuated, he lost power, I think his little dog almost got blown away. Update is that the cyclone is moving inland, which is good for beach dwellers such as himself. No need to worry.
2. I got to work late today.. and leaving in a minute! Shortest day in history!
3. Need to get a digital camera - any thoughts on the Canon Digital IXUS i zoom? In black ofcourse.

must have been bad steak

Ok I've deduced it was just bad steak... cos I feel at lot better today, physically anyway. Not sure if anyone (besides my mum) worried but tis cool.. I'm healthy again.

Currently reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Appropriate as it's a story about symbols, omens and following your dreams. Has anyone else read it? Heavy story, considering it's only 167 pages long...

In other news, going to the Drum & Bass Home Brewed this weekend. Should be fun....?

...?

I woke up at 5am this morning and was violently ill.. i dont know if it's because I ate something off (bad steak?)... or if this over-work over-gym no-sleep thing is catching up to me. Or maybe its a delayed physical reaction to the enormous amounts of guilt I have been feeling over the last couple of weeks.

So I'm at work at 7.30am. Seems like the only 2 things that distract me these days are work and gym...

...

Well, the previous post was a little heavy!

After writing it, I felt like crawling into a little ball and hiding under a rock (or doona) and sleeping and watching tv for an eternity. That would be ideal. But having made such a life altering decision, I thought I'd better make some effort to follow it through, otherwise it would have all been in vain. More than in vain. Damaging people along the way is unforgivable - unless there was some positive outcome, at least in some sense.

I need to do things that I normally wouldn't have even thought twice about doing.

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting"

So what happens if the dream already came true?

learning

Do you ever get the feeling that you don't know who you are? You know the people around you because you see them, speak to them, hear them, feel them, know them every day. But do you ever stop to think about what it'd be like, to be someone else.. getting to know you? The more I think about it, the more I think I don't know who I am at all. At times I have been so sure that I knew who I was, and who I wanted to be and what I wanted from myself. But I'm starting to learn that I don't know that much at all.

I've been doing some soul searching.. well, as much as I can anyway in the time I have away from work. I'm trying so hard to see the black and white between what I truly want for myself.. as opposed to what others want of me, what my parents expect from me, and ultimately what society makes me think I want from me.

It's so strange.. the "fact" that I know what I want from my life has always always been a rock for me. I've always said that I know what I want from me, from a partner, I even know that I am so painfully maternal and really want kids.. really soon. In fact, my whole thing about knowing what I want isn't just a rock for me, it has become a rock for the people around me. My friends expect me to be there, to be happy, to be the shoulder to cry on, to tell them I'm happy, to tell them I'll always be there. My parents expect me to work, to be successful, to get married and have kids. So much so, that over time.. this is what I expect me to be.

It's become resoundingly clear that I am not what people are expecting me to be. I'm not all of the above. And I don't want to be anymore. I've realised that I have been living up to other people's expectations and not my own. Why am I afraid of letting people down? Is it better to just let myself down instead? It is softer.. to not hurt other people? Is the damage I'm doing to myself.... worth it...?

Call it quarter-life crisis.. I don't know. I'm still learning.. and I'm not saying I like what I'm learning but.. I am learning, and I'm learning on my own.