women *sigh*

i was just now reading LeXXuS' latest post, and man, this guy has the balls to tell it just like it is. enough balls to melt all the tigers in the world to butter, apparently. i read his blog religiously because it makes me laugh, it makes me teary, it makes me think... actually no, mostly it just makes me laugh.

So anyway, his latest post declares that "(women) torture themselves emotionally, the fucking masochists". And you know what? He is so right.

I'd like to think of myself as being pretty together when it comes to matters of the heart. i don't usually play games, over analyse, stew, consult at least a dozen girlfriends or even expect a guy to read my mind. I'm pretty blokey in that sense, but I've been a little worried lately... blame it on the old age but i think i'm slowly entering the world of female emotional masochism.

Where once upon a time a guy not calling, or calling, or paying attention, or there lackof, or saying something this way or that ~ that stuff has never phased me. And when my friends consulted me, i was most probably gazing back at them quizzically, wondering why on earth any of this rates on the This Upsets Me meter at all. I just didn't get it.

But now, oh man, I think I'm screwed. It's snuck up on me and bit me square on the ass.

The other day i wandered past Panu's desk* unannounced cos I was in the vicinity and must have caught him distracted (he & his mates were playing with USB cannons... riiiiight..) and i may have said hello, or something to that degree. he grunted, mumbled something and then all attention straight back to the cannons. I was mortified! I promptly went back to my desk to begin the thorough process of analysing what had just happened. Why did he ignore me? Is he angry with me? What did I do? Did I do something??

Yah. cos it's always the something that ruins everything.

As if on cue, a mutual friend messages me and says "hey, how are things with you and your man?" What? Why did she ask that? Does she know something? Something I don't know??

Oh my God the stress! I spent all afternoon wondering if Panu was going to break up with me, and went through all the possible scenarios in my head of how I was going to handle the devastating news.

After much time was wasted on convincing myself that i wouldn't cry if he broke up with me, regular Cat raised her head for a single glorious moment and i decided to talk to him. Ooh yeah, what a revolutionary idea, huh? So I message him and tell him that i felt ignored this morning and he responds with "i'm really sorry baby, I didn't realise.. and if i ignore you again, just come sit on my lap silly girl". Ok, so that's good, right? Yeah, that'll do me.

So the bomb was defused, though the stress may have caused me to lose a few quality years of my life. I'm a fucking emotional masochist.

now here's the thing - if this is how I'm reacting ~ me, Cat, non-emotional, non-phased, ice queen of the current generation ~ how the heck are the rest of you women women coping???

* for those who don't know, we work in the same building... yep, one of "those" relationships.

warm & fuzzy

Last friday night, we ran an auction night at work, with all proceeds going towards the Starlight Children's Foundation. Our aim was to grant one wish, which costs $5000. Unbelievably, amazingly, ecstatically... we raised $10,595. I was floored by the support we were given, not only from the generous companies who donated prizes, but from my colleagues, who I had mostly thought were tightasses *heH*, willing to pay more than retail for an item, because they knew the dollars were going to a good cause.

It was an amazing night, with Ian "Chappelli" Chappell as the hilarious albeit a little tipsy auctioneer, lots of great food & drinks, and the most enormous profitterole cake I ever laid eyes on (and heaviest damn cake I've ever had to lift!). I think everyone had a good time, and they should all feel warm and fuzzy because not only are we granting one wish, or even two - my company, Dimension Data, has offered to top up to $15,000 allowing us to grant three wishes this year!

I'm fuzzy.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend was brilliant, if not a little nuts. Panu and I got up on Saturday morning and went to the botanical gardens to do 10 reps of "the stairs" - that's 106 steps by 10. My calves are still feeling it today. We spent the rest of the day cruising on the couch (I'm getting into chick lit), and spent the evening watching Pirates 3 (oooo Johnny!) and pigging out at Pancakes on the Rocks. Twas our 6 months afterall... hehe 6 months. how cute is that?

it's been a while

so it feels like it's been an eternity since i last blogged properly. this is due to a number of reasons... such as me working the most ridiculous hours ever (yeah, I know I say this every time I have to work hard but really, who else works 12-15 hour days without overtime?!) and the fact that I spilled my entire cup of tea on my laptop and listened closely while the motherboard fizzled itself to a miserable death. and then i tipped it over and watched as warm tea slowly dribbled out of my poor little keyboard...

but! I'm back. well, not in my entirety because today is the day of my Starlight Auction night, a project I have been working on ~ with the best team! ~ since November last year. So today I'm massively distracted but I just wanted you (whoever the heck actually reads my blog these days) to know I'm alive.

so have a fabulous weekend and I'll be back next week!

half an aussie

so leon made me take this test today, which is apparently potentially what they will use to test new citizens on. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for making sure everyone can speak english before declaring them to be true blue but oh my God, how much did i suck on this test? I said the flag was friggin' green & gold!

I'm gonna get deported!!!

a moment

warning: potentially soppy post ahead!

i had a moment on the weekend ~ i think it was sunday night but you know what, i dont even really remember ~ when i looked at panu and thought i saw something really deep and something i (in my 27 years of wisdom) didn't recognise. we have moments often, he's a pretty romantic guy, but this particular one actually made my heart skip a beat and left me breathless for a more than a split second.

every time i look at him, i see this guy i'm totally crazy for; i see the fun, the seriousness, the tenderness and everything in between. and how's this for puke-worthy ~ when he looks at me, i feel as though there is seriously nothing else around us. it's me & him, and a great big void. i love being lost in the void.

and this moment that we had, it was all of the above and more. in that instant i felt as though i didnt want to ever ever be in the void with anyone else. because i'm not going to feel this way about anyone else. he brushed my hair back from my face and touches my nose with his. I could have stayed in that moment forever.

but then again maybe i'm reading too much into it. i mean, we had just had a huge dinner & dessert and we were both incredibly full and more than a little sleepy. tired eyes kinda look like romantic eyes too, right?

light up a little life!

Dressed in oversized yellow t-shirts and armed with a box of various Star-goodies, a number of Dimension Data staff volunteered their time yesterday in support of Starlight Foundation's annual Star Day. It was a glorious day in Sydney's harbour, and together with a couple of whacky (to say the least) Captain Starlights, our staff contributed to Starlight's continual effort to reach every hospitalised child this year - a staggering 600,000 across Australia.

The various star-goodies included stress stars, pens, yoyo’s, wands, wristbands, pins, ribbons.. just to name a few. The vast assortment of merchandise led the volunteers to believe that it had nothing to do with our charm or sales skills, the selling “was in all the box”. Nevermind, that probably alleviated the pressure somewhat and allowed us to enjoy the day, chit chat to passers-by, and even attempt to coerce pocket money out of little grade one children en-route to the zoo!

Well, it was for a good cause!

pink rocks my socks!

OoooOOo.. she rocks my socks indeed. the show was f**king phenomenal, scuse my french. it did help that we had the best concert seats i have ever had, we were centre front, 5 rows back. Unreal.

pink completely made up for the fact that we didn't end up going to the MTV Music Awards ~ having just gotten back from Melbourne we were knackered, and being general admission, we had to be there at 3pm, for an 8pm start... ya-huh! 5 hours of nothing just so shortass me can get a half way decent view of not just the armpits of the dude infront of me.

incidentally, peter petrelli also rocks my socks!